That didn’t end well.

Amy Winehouse died today.  As of right now, the cause of death is unknown.  ”Everyone” is assuming her death was drug/alcohol related.  Safe assumption?  Probably.  That’s my assumption.  Judgemental?  Maybe; but isn’t that what drug addicts and alcoholics do if we’re still using?  Overdose.  Die from complications of the disease.  Her death is a wake up call; at least to me.  If we aren’t abstinent, death is surely a viable option.  For me, I know that to drink is to die.  To be honest, I don’t really know that much about her or what was really behind her struggles.  Maybe she really didn’t want to be sober or go through treatment, just like her song says.  I remember being at the turning point and facing the choice of life or death (I was drinking myself to death.).  I had to think about it but I got out of that dark place and found the will to live in the solution of sobriety.

I have something in common with Amy Winehouse.

It’s not that we both sang the blues about “them” trying to make us go to rehab.  And it’s not that we both eventually went to rehab.  {One of us is back in rehab.}  It’s this: on her way to her latest treatment, Amy slugged down a mini bottle of vodka.  So did I ( I slugged down a bottle of wine.).  I can imagine the shock and dismay of the layperson who reads this. But this is the insanity of the disease of alcoholism.  When I read that she did this, I thought, “Of course she did.  Why wouldn’t she?”  If you are not an alcoholic or an addict you might find this horrifying.  To me it makes perfect sense.

On the morning that I left for rehab, I had three things to do: get keys made for my apartment; go to the bank; and go to the liquor store.  There was no way in hell I was checking in to rehab sober.  I told myself that I had a legitimate motive: you have to blow during the intake process and insurance companies are more likely to cover your stay if something registers on the breathalyzer.  The truth is that I was drinking so much then I was physically dependent on alcohol.  I probably would have had a seizure if I didn’t have anything to drink all morning.

My intake was scheduled for 11:30-I think.  I left the house later than anticipated to do the errands and had to go to my office, as well.  I was very pressed for time and I remember being very, very nervous about not getting to the liquor store. Getting the liquor was critical in measure.  It was as if the whole plan hinged on getting the booze.  {An ongoing theme in my life.}  I got it all done. I got home with my wine and stood in my kitchen, packed bags around me and chugged 3/4′s of the bottle.  I would have finished it off but the taxi arrived to take me to the hospital.  In any event, I arrived sufficiently wasted or at least wasted enough.

That was it.  That was my last drink.  I hope I never forget it.

My Head is Loud

I have stopped and started this post about half a dozen times.  It started off about being angry.  Then about not being angry.  Then about being in denial about being angry.  Then about being crazy.  Then about how I felt judged by the patients at the treatment center.  Blah.  Blah. Blah.  SHUT UP in there!

My head has been like this all day.  No focus.  Just sentences not really connected to each other coming out of my mouth.   (I think this is the result of being over tired and stressed out.) Here is what happened earlier:

Earlier today I gave a lead at a treatment center, and one of the patients asked me if I was still going through withdrawal. I have been sober for over 2 1/2 years (no need to chime in and tell me it’s possible; don’t wanna hear it).  I didn’t understand what he was asking.  He tried to break it down by saying is this just human behavior or is this alcoholism?  I still didn’t understand.  So he proceeded to explain further: the previous week I was full of piss and vinegar and this week I seemed calm but disengaged.  Still not getting it and suddenly feeling like I was on the witness stand, I tried to explain that I am just a person trying to do some good, not drink and spread a little message of hope.  Some weeks it’s going to be off.  Can’t help it.  Just a human being.  It was a super odd exchange.  Not really unusual, but most of the time I can follow along.

Usually I ask God to bring me the message.  I didn’t do that today.  Plus I didn’t really feel like talking about recovery and especially telling my story…again.  I was also fresh out of a meeting about human trafficking.  And finally, the ever noisy head was particularly active.  It happens.  Not every lead I give is going to be outstanding chalk-full of life changing spiritual bombs.

At last, I threw my hands up in the air and said, “Look, I am just a drunk trying to help a bunch of other drunks.  It isn’t always going to be pretty.”  Everyone laughed and on to the next.

One day at a time.  And today is almost over.

PS: I am not going to edit this post.  I am giving it to you as is.  This is authentic MFM…no frills and crazy!  xo

Oprah drives me crazy.

That statement doesn’t really have anything to do with recovery.  Or does it?  I am watching the replay of her interview with James Frey (we’re lucky in Chicago-they rerun Oprah in the late night.).  It’s just amazing to me how she can make just about anything be all about her.  I can’t tell if she’s making amends to him or if she is waiting for him to apologize to her.  Again.  (Do you know what I am talking about?  In 2005, his book, “A Million Little Pieces” became an Oprah Book Club book.  Shortly thereafter, it became evident that his book was a load of hooey.  I used to be resentful about this.  I would think, “Why do you have to make your addiction worse than it was?  Oh, really?  To make money?  Awesome.”  I don’t feel that way today….progress?)

That said, we are now into the second half of the interview and she is actually talking to him about his recovery.  James Frey says, “I’ve known some bad days.”  He weathered his “Oprah Scandal” and then lost a child.  Talk about perspective.  He’s a pretty amazing person.  Someone from whom we could all learn a thing or two.  Like how to move beyond controversy and pain and loneliness sadness and all of the ugliness that comes with life without picking up.  He admits his struggle.  He admits it tough.  And I really admire that because it is.  Sobriety isn’t fun all the time because life keeps lifing around us.  I like that kind of honesty and candor.  The “give it to me straight” honesty that comes from people who are in a pretty decent place and not afraid to tell it like it is.

(His books are good, too.)

This Blog has MOM in the Name

Oh my.  It has been quite some time since I posted here.  I figured that Mother’s Day was the perfect day to get back into the swing of writing.   That said, this is going to be a short and sweet message.

Being a mother is a tough job; the toughest job out there some say.  Being a sober mom adds another level of something-not quite sure what-to the mix.  If I am ever grateful for my sobriety, it is when I am with my son and experience the gift of being present in his life.  I hope that someday, he will look back at his life and know he was loved by me each and everyday.  And even though I made (make) some colossal, game changing mistakes, never for one moment did I stop loving him.

Happy Mother’s Day, Moms!

“I want to have a life.”

“I want to have a life.”, she said.  ”Recovery takes up too much time.  How am I supposed to get anything done?  Like cook a balanced meal?”  How loaded (HA, no pun intended) are these comments?!  Especially coming from someone who is in a treatment center.  But you know what? I can relate to what she was saying.

At the time, I only listened and didn’t offer any opinion or suggestion.  It was obvious that there wasn’t really anything that I could say;  her heart and mind closed for the business of new ideas and willingness on an indefinite vacation.  However, her comments brought me to a crystal clear revelation: I have a life.  It didn’t hit me right away but it came to me this morning.  I was thinking about what she said and I agree that recovery is a lot of work.  But so is being drunk and high all the time.  (I almost laughed at the comment about cooking dinner because I was incapable of cooking for about the last 18 months of my using.)  At the end of my run, my disease had me fooled into thinking that my life was pretty great.   Compared to my life today, it was nothing short of disgraceful.

Anyway, the comment, “I want to have a life.” manifested into I have a life.  One very recent recollection brought it all together: yesterday I had coffee with two other parents.  The three of us sat in a Starbucks mapping out team sponsors for our sons’ little league.  I am the fundraising director and they are the team coordinators.  Are you kidding me?  Three years ago this was unfathomable.   What you don’t know is that this is a dream come true for me.  I never thought I would be able to be this kind of mom.  Not just showing up but making a contribution.  For so many years of my son’s life, I was not present.  I could barely care for him.  And now that is different.  I am not that person anymore and it is only the result of a rigorous program of recovery.  When I start to feel like my program is too time consuming, I will not only think of the what it was like before sobriety but I will think of what it is like now.  I will remember sitting in Starbucks trying to figure out which team is going to be sponsored by McGuire’s Car Wash.  And I know I will feel the same gratitude I am feeling right now.

Its amazing; an absolute gift.  By the Grace of God, a hopeless alcoholic like me has a life.

What to write about?

Lately I feel I have nothing to write about.  I think I am playing a Jedi Mind Trick on myself because really I want to write more.  You know the saying: if you want to write more, write more.  Well,  at the suggestion of my new coach, the lovely and amazing Ellen Burton, I am going to start typing and we’ll see where it goes.

Coaching.  There’s something right there to talk about.  A lot of people think coaching is a sham.  I don’t.  I am a firm believer in getting some outside perspective to make a change or achieve a goal.

What prompted the coaching?  I have new staff at my organization and I don’t know what to do with them.  They are bright, educated, very talented and YOUNG.  That’s where I get hung up.  We have just enough of an age difference between us to make it interesting.  And by interesting, I mean challenging.  If you had to put me in a generation bucket, I am Gen X.  These two are Gen Y bordering on Millennials.  Partner that with my less than stellar communications skills, fear of everything (including myself), sudden low self-worth, a small office and BAM.  You got yourself some potential for conflict.

How did I get to the coaching?  Well, I did what any good neurotic alcoholic does: I started opinion polling.  I found the opinions that I was looking for and one honest answer.  The latter is what matters.  The honest answer from someone I trust and respect was I have to make some changes in me.  (ACK.)  How much do we hate that answer?  My first step (besides accepting that changes in me would be good) was a call to action for book recommendations from my Facebook friends.  Books are always my first response resource.  Ellen chimed in with a great book suggestion, Generations, Inc., co-authored by father-daughter duo, Megan and Larry Johnson.  (It is a great book; don’t be frightened by their super-cheesy-totally-self-promoting-website.)  The second book recommended by another friend was The Girl’s Guide to Being a Boss without Being a Bitch. Also worth reading.  I like the tone of this book; straight forward and to the point.  That’s what I need.  I am not good at reading into things or looking for the hidden meaning.  For example, if you don’t want me to wear grey t-shirts, you have to say, “Don’t wear grey t-shirts.”  Don’t dress up the request and beat around the bush.  Give it to me straight.  One of my strengths is following simple directions.

After poking around and stocking up my virtual bookshelf, I figured it was time to actually talk to someone.  I did what I hate to do.  I picked up the phone and asked for help.  What’s funny about my aversion to the ask-for-help-phone-call is that it always leaves me feeling much better than I expected.  Why do I avoid doing the things that make me feel good? (More fodder for the blog!)

Ellen and I had two good talks and I decided to move forward with some formal coaching.  After only two weeks of coaching, I feel a difference in my awareness and my perspective.  I can feel the pieces of my puzzle shifting to make a new picture.

So, what does any of this have to do with recovery you might be asking?  It has everything to do with recovery because I have a thinking and a perception problem.  These ‘ailments’ or symptoms of my alcoholism permeate every aspect of my life.  But the good news is I know the solution and I have access to the solution.  By taking action, I am living in the solution and that is all I need.

 

 

The Power of the New Comer

Recently I have been blogging about my struggles staying engaged in my program of recovery.  Today at my home group I got the message beautifully loud and clear.  A woman with 4 years shared about abandoning her program of recovery and how her untreated alcoholism started running the show.  She said she is amazed that she didn’t pick up a drink because she was in so much pain.  I needed to hear that.  My alcoholism reaches the stage of untreated quickly; it can really turn on a dime.  I think that because I was such a late stage alcoholic when I finally got sober that I need a program equally strong to keep the disease in check.  That is the first part of the beautiful message.

Here’s the second part of three: there’s a guy in my home group who cannot stay sober.  He is always in the first 30 days.  I can totally identify with that because I was in the first 30 days for a really long time.  I definitely fall into the chronic relapser category.  (Past tense)  Anyway, at my home group they give coins for 6 months.  And who stands up with 6 months today-this kid.  I have never heard so much cheering in a meeting, ever.  The happiness and joy for this guy who has struggled for so long and never gotten anywhere near 6 months was so authentic and moving.  (Sorry for the run on sentence.) It is so awesome to see someone not give up and keep coming back.

Ok, so two really inspiring things and then THIS happened (you will only fully appreciate this last part if you are in recovery): it’s almost the end of the meeting.  A younger woman raises her hand.  She goes up the podium (my home group is a big speaker meeting where comments are made from the podium at the front of the meeting-pretty intimidating.).  She says hello and her name and that she is alcoholic.  And then she starts to silently weep.  Everyone is very quiet waiting for her to speak.  In a very small but clear voice she says, “Its been 16 hours since my last drink.  I need help and I am afraid and I don’t know what to do.”  She pauses and weeps again for a minute.  Then says, “I am just so tired.  I can’t live like this anymore.  Thank you.”  It was so raw!  She was so raw; ravaged by the disease.  But more importantly, what courage!  That woman made a giant step towards saving her life today in one courageous and humble act.  They say that the newcomer is the most important person in the room.  You see a woman like that and hell yea she’s the most important person in the room.  How could she not be?  What an awesome reminder of where we come from!  And what an amazing opportunity of  the hand of recovery to be there?  Powerful stuff.

Today, I saw three parts of my disease in others.  But more importantly, I saw the solution.  The crispy girl with some time making her way back.  The chronic relapser finally putting together 6 months of sobriety after years of trying.  And the very scared, active alcoholic trying to break free from the grip of the addiction.

In all honesty, all I can say is holy shit am I grateful to be sober.

Retaliation 1; Mom 0: Everyone Loses

I have said it before and I will say it again: I get wound up.  My natural state of being is disturbed.  My cage is easily rattled.  Once rattled or disturbed or wound up tighter than a drum, it is very difficult for me to get back to a peaceful place.  I reach a level of frustration that is very painful and I start to retaliate.  When I say that I mean I want you to feel pain, too.  Why should I suffer alone, right?  If I can take a little piece of you with me, I am going to and it’s going to give me a little satisfaction.  Or maybe a great deal of satisfaction.  Depends on the circumstances.

What I just outlined is what happened yesterday with my son.  For whatever reason(s), my fuse was shrinking by the second until it was gone and I snapped.   He and I had been butting heads for days on a variety of things: brushing teeth; wearing a hat and gloves when its 15 degrees outside; bathing regularly.   You name it.  (I think its pretty normal for 9 year olds-especially with divorced parents-to test their boundaries.)  Finally, I had had enough and I started yelling at him. I don’t ever yell.  My mom yelled A LOT and I find it very unsettling.  But like I said, I snapped.

He started to cry.  And you know what, for a split second it made me feel good.  I thought to myself, “Ha.  Now you’re hurting too.”  It is very painful and shameful to admit this but I suffer from the disease of alcoholism.  Untreated, this is what it looks like.  I wrote about being disengaged in recovery a few weeks ago.  This is where that takes me.   The good news is that after this episode, my son and I talked it out.  The even better news is that this afternoon I spent some much-needed time with my sponsor.  I was honest with her about what’s going on and how taking a piece of someone else with me makes me feel when I am hurting.  I told her that I get some satisfaction from it; a little pleasure even.  This is not the first time this has come up.  She and I talk  frequently about leaving people whole.  I didn’t want to take a piece of my son yesterday or inflict pain on him but one of my top character defects is retaliation.

Knowing this is what I am capable of makes me sad and ashamed.  I don’t have to act like this.  I can take action which will prevent this kind of behavior in the future.  That’s exactly what I intend to do.  One day at a time.

 

Disinterested = Trouble

So, here’s the skinny: I couldn’t be less interested in recovery right now.  I am really tired of going to meetings.  I am tired of  listening to people struggle.  I am tired of sitting in meetings and listening to people whine.  I am tired of talking about alcoholism.  I am tired of talking about my feelings.  I don’t want to call my sponsor let alone be honest with her.  I certainly don’t want to do any step work.

You know what this is? Alcoholism at work.  The only thing keeping me going right now is my relationship with God.  But that relationship alone is not enough to keep me sober.  Thank goodness, I know this and I know my warning signs (see above!).

Soooo….this is what I have to do: dig deep and ask God to bring me some willingness.  I need the willingness of a newcomer to get back on track.  I have to get honest with myself and my sponsor about what is going on.  That’s the best way to diffuse this kind of situation:  TALK ABOUT IT.  If I keep it to myself, it will grow and grow.  And you know what the end result will be?  I will drink.  I don’t know what would happen if I drank again, but I have a pretty good idea it ain’t gonna be pretty.  I have to focus on the solution and live in the solution.  And live in gratitude.  And reach out to others.  Find a newcomer to support.

*SIGH*

So

Much

Work

It is worth it.

It is worth it.

It is worth it.

PS: One of the WordPress recommended tags for this post is Rush Limbaugh.  Isn’t that hilarious!?

PPS: You pretty much just witnessed how my mind works.